Roland 909 day, the synth comes of age and swollen bags of people putty

         Roland 909 day has come and gone......it sucked. We knew it would, so no surprises there however, I am hearing the odd complaint that the suckage is due to the synth industry being "Stagnant"  and that Poor-little-ol'-us us with all our new poly-analouges are the  victims of this stagnation....

Allow me to address this with as much juvenile sexual innuendo as possible

It's not that things are stagnant, it's just that you are an A-sexual eunuch, who needs to listen to a Man-o-war, Accept or Judas Priest (Doesn't matter if your pitching for the other team, as long as you get in the game!) record ASAP, before the last of your pubes becomes permanently ingrown thus giving your pitiful excuse for manhood a festive red Christmas like wreath around it

 People have finally learned what a "synth "is and what it is not, Back when the DX7 almost sank the industry, people had an idea that synths were going to the key to all future instrumentation and their main quality would be how well they could re-create traditional instruments. That was pursued for almost 20 years of mostly crap synths that actually, were barely "Synths" to begin with, Remember rock bands proudly stating on their records that NO SYNTHESIZERS had been used in the making of that record? The bogeyman from Japan was finally unsuccessful in his evil FM plot to destroy the noble rock warriors of old.All these years later the world is coming to accept that it was not the synthesizer who had come to castrate us from our manly triple-coil wank-rod, locking-nut Bro-on-bro finish, electric guitars. It turns out The synthesizer is a just another crotch grabbing, restroom all lunch hour, slap-the-wife and pee-in-the-sink musical instrument ! It just need time to swell to full length before allowing us to slurp up the type of creativity expression a well-made synth is always exploding with.

Do you "THRILL" to the "DANGEROUS" innovations in this year's new GIBSON LES PAUL?

Nope that because there aren't any, electric guitars are what they are, and they are not, nor should they be in for drastic changes, My Gibson FireBird has been my second cock for 15 years and if it is ever lost or destroyed (Many do envy, few would dare.) I would replace it instantly, (I would need to, my wife cannot achieve orgasm unless I can play Vinny Vincent's live solo from the Lick it up tour 20 minutes prior to coitus.)

It has finally been accepted that the synth is a standardized musical instrument, with a distinctive sound and application range like drums or a Bass guitar. Oscillators filters Amp LFO , = Thick heavy sound rich with harmonic distortion like a guitar but much less crass-sounding , and far more versatile, But it can rock like a guitar or shimmer like an orchestra as need be, but in doing so it will sound like neither, it will sound like VCO's hitting VCF's on their way out of VCA's , and though many of us can claim VD's when we hear that special sound few us will complain of experiencing ED


that doesn't mean there won't be other innovative keyed instruments, but they will be whatever they end up being. The world will not mistake them for the synthesizers again.

Took nearly 50 years for the nads to drop on this one, but the life giving people putty has swollen them to the point of critcal mass, and with a fanfare of rompler trumpets I salute those bad boys swinging free in the breeze, a symbol of hard won freedom.

Your rights do not come cheap people,

But the Roland crap does, so don't buy it. seriously, they will never learn if you keep buying their garbage.

So we;ve got:  1. An Ipod mixed with a Kaoss pad but...10x as expensive as either.......weak

2. A few plugins in tin cans that you can play Mr Potato head with.....feeble

3. and just what the world have been waiting for! It's the VENOM MRK2! well......I didn't mind the Venom......but I was the ONLY one who liked it so.......FAIL!

A most un-manley showing by Roland

Fixing Keys on a Yamaha DX7

PROLOGUE: The beating I took to bring you this info!

 I bought my latest DX-disaster last Friday. Rode my bike 2 miles uphill to pick it up, fucker weighs more than I do. Unable to stop my bike at an intersection I careened into traffic before crashing into the far curb, possible concussion in tow, I rose to face the oncoming road rager, who had bailed out of his car in full anticipation of combat. I was quite frighted as he charged me, so much so that I thought it best to throw the first punch (wins 90% of fights, got that kidz?) The synth soft case containing the DX was suspended by a strap on my right shoulder, as I pulled my arm back and threw, it slipped off my shoulder and dragged my thrown fist toward the ground with it's 100 plus pounds of pressure.

"AWWWWW....FUUUUU....!!!) And then I saw stars.

Luckily the man's passenger had jumped out of the car behind him and had waist locked him right after he used my left cheek bone for whiffle ball practice, and I guessing for fear of legal reprisal quickly had his friend back in their car and on their way.

Some were nice enough to ask if I was ok, sitting there on the curb, but I knew I would not be alright again for quite a while, the curse has come home yet again, nearby, propped jauntily on the bus bench I could feel the DX laughing.

ACT2: THE COMEBACK!

Let's F'ING! DO THIS!!

PROBLEM: YAMAHA DX7 with Dead Keys

OBJECTIVE: Repair keys, velocity and aftertouch intact, without paying out the ass.

Step 1:Take screwdriver, remove 4 screws on main panel, just above the keyboard so panel can be lifted like a trapdoor. IMPORTANT: Have envelopes or zip lock baggies ready, label each container with the place of the screw you put in it (EG "top panel 4 screws") Ignore this at your own peril.
Remove 3 screws on the bottom of the keyboard, on it's underside, and then going back to our "open trapdoor" While looking down at the key bed with the hood (Trapdoor) open, there will be screws on either side of the key bed to remove.

step2: Separating the key bed area from the circuitry area behind it there will be a strip of white plastic that snaps on top of the metal rods that separate the two sections. remove it, then carefully, noting any resistance, lift the key bed, remove the cable and socket connectors if possible and when necessary, but if you think it's too old to survive the separation....well, you probably don't have the stones for this in the first place. Grow a set and show that DX-"whateva" who the "dom" in this Dungeon is.

Step3: Now we get down to "the poop" No, I'm not referring to the patches you'll be designing should your repairs be successful (Although you'll not find a more appropriate nickname for your new FM (F#@k Me??) slab.) What I'm referring to is getting the keys in and out while still being able to make the same crappy sounds via the same obtuse programming methods that you tell drunk chicks  you are in full command of (Want to see the dungeon ladies? Just call me FM daddy.....gross) anyway, if I can impart one piece of "know-how" on those who have never performed invasive surgery on a Yamaha before then book-learn this my MENSA member buddies....Yamaha doesn't want you in there, in fact, they have designed a key array that is at least 33 1/3 percent more difficult to tear down and build up than any other manufacturers'.......

(Feel free to take a break for some rage-fuelled masturbation, Let's hear your battle cry! "ARRRRRRRGG!!!" )

 .....Here's the deal, and I'll remind you all that this is for newbs, so if already know everything, head on back to Gearslutz and resume showing thumbnails of your prophet 5 in exchange for a look at another dude's Prophet 6 (But...we can't tell ANYONE!!) Here's the deal: The spring action in keys is produced by a thin rectangular strip of metal, bent in a bowshpe AWAY from the keys but locked to them via being propped against a  barrier found in the recess of the key itself. The counter resistance comes from having it's square end hook into a notch in the core metal plate in which the contacts themselves are housed.

Wanna see? Okie Dokey! Place one hand over the top of the key at its fulcrum, hold the bottom of the key at its' outcropping with our thumb and two fore fingers. Press down, pull then push the key away from you, release pressure on the top of the key and you will hear a sickening crack.....your DX7 is now totally F'ked...hahaha!! JUST KIDDING, the key will now be loose. lift it out and you will see the metal strip. Now,get your q-tips and rubbing alcohol and get cleaning those keys and contacts, no secret here, just do it, notice different sets of contacts, it won't be difficult to image the actions by which velocity and aftertouch are achieved, which brings me to another important point.....DON'T BEND THE F'ing CONTACTS!!! You know the ones. those waif-like bastards that make contacts with the middle of the bowed metal strip. Those are the enemy, you're goal is to get out of this having not molested them any more than a quick pokey-poke with your Q-tip (Too easy) so be CAREFUL!!

Ok, now that you are done scratching that hard-to-reach part of your ass with the contacts I told you not to screw with, let's put this tart back together and get her on display so we can get on with lying about how much we paid for her company (She's not a mail-order bride.....I got her on the INTERNET...DUH!") Here's what I did,: feel free to fail in your own way, but this got the job done..

Take the forked side of the metal strip and insert it into both a black and a white key (Always install a white key with all adjacent black keys at the same time, yes it sucks, but so does a key-less DX7 you will know where to prop the base as their is a post that fits the forked tongue side of the strip, (Did I mention that is the end that goes in the key?) The other end of the metal strip should not be braced inside,  rather, it should protrude slightly over the lip of the back bottom of they key. Look at the metal base. Do you see the notch for the other end of the strip? Taking both a white key and adjacent black key, if applicable. Slide them down and diagonal so as to catch the metal strip in the notch and hook the plastic studs built into the key at the end where it hooks into the chassis Make no mistake this is a MAJOR PAIN IN THE ASS!!, but it must be done and if there is a secret to it, no one told my dumb ass what it is. But if I can do it, you can do it, so get jerking spanky!

You'll know you have it when you hear the familiar sickening crack, and feel that spongey spring back at your fingertips. Now. Remember how I told you to be all organized and literate like when taking the screws out and disconnecting the keyboard? Well now it pays off! do it all in reverse....

ACT3: VICTORY!

Well, looky now thar Cleatus! This har river may not go to Aintree, but you got yourself a real purdy DX-7, and I bet it can squeal......but I digress...

Congratulations! You can now perform basic service on a synth nobody wants! Sky's the limit 4 U super trooper!

Terrible Dee over and out....So until next time....

(Rage-fuelled)....."AHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRGGGG!!"